I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
