Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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