He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
