If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
