I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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