i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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