Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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