Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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