Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
