Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
