His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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