I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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