so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
