The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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