That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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