can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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