you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
