she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
