I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
