yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
