i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
