when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
