A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
