the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
