i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
