i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
