Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize