Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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