OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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