I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
