I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
