the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
