life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
