i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
