i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
