nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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