Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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