She's JV to your varsity
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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