Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
