Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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