just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
