Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
