I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
