I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
