I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
