My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
