My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
