How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
