Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
