i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
