somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
