Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
