I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize