i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
