I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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