You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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