Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
