So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
