I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
