Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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