She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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