so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
