if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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