alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
