i need an iv and a liver transplant
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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