I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
