Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
