the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
