apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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