If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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