that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
