you guys were way drunker than both of me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
