And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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