There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
